rrramble

Some days everything leaves,
and you have to go look for all the answers again
Start off with a friends jumper, a bike and a pen

Looking into the sky, tree’s crowd over my eyes
My back flat on the leaves
Lips mouth a million questions,
all the world does is move the sun over a little
Tells me
‘your cold, go home’
People walk their dogs by,
Tired and chattering
There are no answers apparently
Hidden in the tree’s in Sydney park
In the period between 2:45 and 4:30.

Just a confused girl
With some lonely obsession
Breaking twigs and counting clouds
Deciding whether to get along with herself.
And which way to go next.

Home reaches out
With pots and veggies and the rumble of friends.

Perhaps it will be back tomorrow.

post Surgery post

It all seems like a funny game, I keep grinning as I get into the little white gown that ties at the back, laughing at the splashes of flesh shooting out through gaps in hospital gowns and curtains, mum says, ‘now this is the point where you become a patient, not a student nurse’. i feel like i know what’s going on, what all the medical staff are doing and why, it just feels like another hospital experience, where i am just an observer, and don’t expect anything to go wrong.
Mum and I have a good chat, we talk about assertivness and my fears about nursing, and I tell her my newest theory about myself. She is caring and lovely and doesn’t seem to mind talking all about me, yet again. we laugh at how hairy I look against the expanse of white sheets.


When the theatre nurse comes in she repeat herself a bit and I wonder how she is, she says, ‘we are going to theatre now’ I say ok, grinning, mum asks how long they think I’ll be, the nurse rekons only half an hour. As they wheel me into theatre we pass a sign that says you must get all gowned up past this point, I feel excited, I can’t help grinning as they wheel me to the waiting bay for Operating Room #3. they leave me there and say they will go look for the Dr, I sing to myself and watch the OR room, look at all the equiptment around me, and watch an asshole of a Dr yelling at my theatre nurse, she is crying and several other nurses comfort her, which I think is nice. I am annoyed about the Dr. I drift off but try to be awake when anyone comes in. They come in later to tell me the Dr forgot daylight savings, he is an hour late, I am amused. My Nurse has stopped crying and comes in to chat to me, I ask questions and she is happy to explain some of the equiptment and things to me, later I am glad to have had the extra time to chat to her before we go in.
People seem fascinated by my growth, some ask questions like ‘why did you let it get that big?’ I explain politely but think they should get some tact. (in my nursing pracs I have noticed that there is a general increase in sensitivity among nurses with younger patients and especially with body image stuff).
The aneasethtist comes in, looks at my finger, puts a drip in my right arm, hooked up to antibiotics, he tells me I will have a general anesthetic, i was supposed to have a local and he says he thinks general would be better, he will talk to the surgeon.
he leaves, my arm feels weird and I need to pee, I keep moving my arm to try and get it comfortable.
When the surgeon gets there it is all rush, they take me in to the operating room, he tells me I will have a general anaesthetic. i am kinda happy about this because i am starting to get anxious and not sure If I could handle watching it, or the pain. i get onto the operating table, and the nurse gets a warmed blanket for me (this is nice, when I come out my body shakes like anything when I get up, I am quite cold but don’t notice.)
I am glad she is there, she touches my arm and helps me get sorted for the anaesthetist. The anaesthetist tells me to put my chin up and smile, i am already smiling because I am happy and nervous about being operated on, he says ‘this will hurt’ and ‘keep smiling’ and I do. Then I don’t know what happens… my thumb is cut, stitched up, the bag of fluid I started with must have finished as I have a different one when I wake up, hartmanns, maybe because I lost blood, and my body is on a different bed, although I didn’t help that happen.
I wake up in recovery an hour or two later, laughing and thrashing, and pulling off my mask, I hear the nurse saying ‘you’re a happy one aren’t you?’ and ‘I think we’ll keep that on’ tightening the mask. When I stop giggling I start asking questions, ‘whats that?’ ‘what my blood pressure?’ the nurse answers me, asks about my pain and gives me some phenergen, and tells me to stay still she says after my next set of obs I can go through to day stay recovery. I don’t remember that she is the nurse that had me before the op for a long time. Back in recovery mum comes in, kisses me and informs me I look pale. After iv drunk and eaten a bit she takes me to the toilet on my slow funny legs, with my body shaking vigerously without my recognition of being cold at all. Mum and I giggle as I do a huge pee, and then we just hang around, get stuff sorted and go home. Where I crash a bit.

I wish I knew what happened, more about the operation, it is so funny imagine the roll that you do for an unconscious patient being don’t on me, and me havigg no memory, I want to know how the surgery went, and if they knocked me out partially because they didn’t want me asking questions…
The anaesthetist came to see me and asked how I was, when I said sore he said he wasn’t surprised as I was ‘heavily anaesthatised’ and still moving my arm :)

a day of dream

I dreamt of twinkling green eyes
And a contagious smile
A loud secret

And I awoke
Still waiting to hear that laugh
And grasp a reaching hand

To rush over the sand and
Splash tumble aching
Into the water

Into the fast-heart-beat
beautiful chaos
Of it all

But the light and a room
pushed their way into my eyes
and my limbs started to twitch
in a getting up kind of way

and I rolled into a list of
obligations I had constructed

but every thought-stop
left me back

waiting for those eyes to smile at me again
for one last chance
to frolic-stumble through lessons
I have already learnt

i get grumpy and i dont know why

yesterday i came home grumpy it seems, but i didn't feel grumpy, i felt got at, and so did my little bro and mum, they felt got at by me and i felt got at by them, and i can't figure out why.
We all tend to jibe each other, and so when people are fragile this can seem a bit more harsh, but i don't know why i felt fragile, or if they did, they both seemed to think i was being attacking and confrontational, and in a way i was, because i felt attacked i was trying to, i dunno, assert myself and my view of the situation, which was that they were getting at me... it was all tiny things, when i say attack, i only mean like a little accusatory statement, but i just wanted to figure out why.
I think perhaps i get a bit paranoid, and so i have a propensity to think people are trying to get at me when they are not, and it does tend to happen in my family because they are all very smart, and despite the fact that we are ridiculously comfortable together i know that i am kind of the 'flakey hippy' who dosen't wash enough, and isn't very logical, and people tend to wonder how i make it through life, because i do things my own rather unique, hard to understand little way. so yea, perhaps it was a bit of that, i a bit of having a tired crabby day.
I think i could have improved the situation by just saying 'hey, i feel really got at' or something or taking a bit of time out, thinking about it and coming back.
I think i could have improved yesterday by also asking this kid that i don't really know but don't really like how he was because he seemed distressed. By trying to figure out why i felt so lazy about cycling and just whinged in my head to myself about finding it difficult. and being more honest and trying to sort out what was going on with fam.

haha, and i better go study do that i don't have to put 'stdy more' on todays lists of things to be done better. :P

not just for lovers

remember... people?

talking to a friend i remembered. people!
they are everything, they are what its all about, the whole world.
people are the things that can be happy/sad/angry, they are the things that can change it, and i have been insulating myself from them in a way...
whatever i think, whatever great theories i come up with, it dosen't matter unless i'v got people, unless i talk to them. relationships are the biggest research project in ones life. experimenting with different influences, forms of friendship, ways of relating to each other, and ways of breaking down the gap of not yet knowing someone.
I think i kinda forgot to suss people out, to try to relate to them, all of them, to try and break down my judgements, and instead i just settled into a cosy nest of lovelies. I love my family and my friends, and they still challenge me, but there is this whole world of people that i don't understand at all, i get so suss of them because they are different, because they do things i think are dodgy, and i do things that i assume they think are dodgy, i find all the time that i am relating through this barrier of 'you-probably-won't-agree-with-me' which perhaps is sometimes true, but is also perhaps paternalistic and leaves me feeling... false? i dunno quite what it is, i think it's dodgy tho, and the result of being to judgemental. something i need to work on.
yup yup...
i love remembering/learning things like that.