that mushy love stuff

i just wanted to mention that i love a whole bunch of people. alot. so much i get all full of it and sometimes i just grin and hug myself, or any innocent bystander to my internal wonder at the loveliness of some of these flesh breath beings. i am hugely lucky in this. i think its the thing that stops me from being alot worse off. mmm so much, heres to spreading the mush, like fertiliser....

for the writing respository...

as kids we were bound by an understanding & allegience to the same radio station
picked pockets of respect thrown like paintbombs,
we played in the colours,
& hoped for the best, & dealt with the worst,
a rubber band of versatile warriors, all fighting little battles in our heads, and smiling at each other, and holding hands, and telling everyone we were ok, to convince ourselves it's true.
& when the tears like beached whales slipped out and traversed their facial landscape tradjectory we hugged out the air and whispered about the secrets that would make everything better.

list to not forget

i want to make a list of things i want to do...
honestycommunication zine
zine about violence
(write about safesharkthing)
learn about non-violent communication
push-ups
get stronger
get fitter
draw, paint
swim
run
learn french
learn an indigenous 'australian' language
learn to play guitar and sing better ( learn to play ciel en sauce -dionysos and kimya stuff + bob dylan& ole catty stevens)
make stuff for my friendels
make patches and clothes
talk/think /read about alternative health care systems
talk/think /read about different ways our communities can function
learn about how things change
change things
listen to more music
make more music
get to know my body better..
finish my degree and get good at nursing
learn to cook better
learn to garden
learn some skills like hooking up solar panels and fixing my bike.
challenge my ego more
watch myself and get better at being honest with myself about myself.
find ways to contribute to the worldy thingo
experiment with communication and friendship
spend time with people but don't be stale
challenge myself some
write more
learn some gymnastics
learn to meditate
read more poetry
read novels, read peoples idea's about the world.
stop convincing myself i can't do things! and that i shouldn't try!!
jump more
sleep outside more
learn to have conversations slowly, including silences, and with time to think... less pressured
learn to give
experiment with awareness
learn to loose self a bit... loose acute awareness of surrounds
learn to meditate
cook for people i love.
hang out with kids, animals, and people
find out how people deal with anger
find ways of encouraging people to take care of themselves that are subtle and not token or superficial
watch the films people have told me to watch for long time
get articulate like
Dance dAnce daNce danCe dancE!

Yea!

we will hug until

when my friends are sad...

sometimes i don't know 'how to be' around my friends when they are so sad. I feel like a lost ship in a dark night trying desperately not to crash into rocks i can't see. I have been happy for ages now, and i can remember things like how fragile a mind is, and how the slightest little thing can signify all this strange symbolism and stuff, or at least it did for me. When i think about the people who supported me, i don't know how they did it, being so patient and caring, always there when i needed to bitch n whinge n cry. I feel like sometimes i don't know how to be there for other people, especially when they can't tell me, sometimes i feel like i miss out all these things i should be doing, and like its really not as hard as i think. i know that its just about caring and loving someone... but somehow i still have trouble finding the words to say, thinking of things to do, knowing when to just listen and when to say that maybe you need some help. Minds are such impenetrable and powerful things. When i was younger i thought i was good at being around people who were quite sad or disliked themselves, and i wanted to become a nurse or a psych so i could get the skills to do it all the time, now i'v changed and i don't think a degree can give you people skills, and i don't feel like i'm any better at being there for my friends when they are really down, and when they don't seem to be coming back up. I am studying mental health nursing, it gives me labels for certain types of illnesses, (although these are sometimes just constructs, behavior considered unacceptable by society) and it gives an insight into a system that to me seems an awfully bizarre way to try and help someone who is fragile or unwell, a system we inherited from the days before people experiencing mental illness had rights, that has been gradually modified as we progress. Surely such a system is never going to be adequate, not until it is looked at properly and reformed based on evidence and caring...
I have been looking at some radical mental health sites such as the icarus project and am wanting to look more into such things, there are lots of great zines that i want to look at and conversations that i want to have about how to care for our friends. Here are some of the links;
http://www.radpsynet.org/
http://www.successfulschizophrenia.org/
http://theicarusproject.net/
http://sydneyicarus.wordpress.com/
http://www.rockdovecollective.org/
http://www.freedom-center.org/
yea, i don't know what this post is trying to achieve, its just something i'v been thinking about. All my love...

Cooper Pedy Roo

Coober Pedy

Strange town, full of secrets, driving into Coober Pedy through land broken up by mining i thought i'd hate the place, and disagree with the people in it, and probably find them a bit scary, but as we drove into the town i looked around at it and became fascinated, i don't quite know why, it is a desert town, the edges of which stretch out into harsh hot dirt riddled with mining holes and shafts. The main street is tourist oriented with opal shops and aboriginal art galleries, while the people who made the art lay in the only shade available on the street. All the people working in the shops were white. The people i was travelling with didn't like it and wanted to leave as soon as we got there, i really wanted to stay, and as we were leaving the bus got a flat, which meant that we got to stay from a few hours. It was wonderfully hot, just walking from the bus into town (maybe 250m) we were covered in sweat.
I visited the underground church which was through this little forboding door with a cross on it, and was so silent that i could only whisper. My skin was almost tingling, the pressure was different as well i think, i just sat there and felt the place and wondered about what had happened there.
As i went for a wander about the town i picked my way between buildings as the ground was so hot and my boots were starting to give me blisters, i stopped in the shade of buildings for a break as i went. One place i stopped at seemed pretty empty despite an enthusiastic sign proclaiming another opal shop, i wandered up to this big warehouse building and opened the door, inside i found a building in the middle of renovations and a very friendly couple who chatted to me and showed me their 'babies' little kangaroo's who had been rescued when their mothers had been killed on the road, they let me hold the tiny kangaroo who's eyes were hardly open and talked to me about the town. When i mentioned i was doing nursing they told me their daughter was also a nurse and worked at the aboriginal health centre down the road, they offered to call and see if there were jobs.
This is a bit random but the place just had some substance, and meant something that i can't articulate. I really want to go back.

dumpsta!

a pretty basic thought i wanted to share

I am full of strawberries and milk and all the cushy substances that this place affords me, i am wearing clean clothes, i slept in a bed, in a house, and i am checking my email.

I tend to get culture shock coming back to the city when i have been somewhere different.
because i guess it makes less sense, it seems so false to me, all this advertising, waste and unfamiliarity, all these people crammed into all these boxes surrounded by junk that when you look at it makes no sense, stuff that we don't need.

I feel like it is all shoved in front of our eyes so that we stay floppy and tired, working our arse's off to continue this cycle of wanting more. And all the while hiding from what we are actually doing, what we are complicit in or even actively support, the genocide of "australia's" first peoples, the destruction of old growth forests and a climate in which we can live, the genetic messing of our food supplies which will contaminate crops grown anywhere near those that have been messed with, the corporate power that exists and the way decisions are made by those with no accountability transparency or proximity to whats going on.

i have so much, i have more than i need, and i am trying to figure out how to change this strange and fucked up way of things being. more on this later perhaps...