When I was
younger I struggled with seeing the world as it was, accepting the inequality, and
remaining a functioning part of it. The shattering of the illusion of any kind
of fairness in life is a concept I, in my naïve idealism, continue to struggle
with. I got past my teen angst and depression, moved to the city and eventually
found the activist community I had dreamed of finding at uni, I had become involved
in trying to fight against climate change through various forms of activism,
and through those networks been introduced to some ideas of anti-racism work,
anarchism, queer activism, femme, feminist and various other idea’s. These all
taught me more, gave me frameworks to question things introduced me to
structure to put around those vague feeling of unease and confusion I felt,
gave me a feeling of purpose and a community of beautiful friends.
As time went
on I became disillusioned with the lack of results visible from this kind of
activism, and the infighting between different groups that took up a lot of
time and seemed to me to be at a disconnect between the way that most people
outside of those circles thought about things. About this time I finished my
degree and so I threw myself into the, (for me), challenging work of becoming a
nurse. The next two years were spent working at becoming a competent nurse and
creating a loving family with my partner and her dog, and spending time with my
siblings, parents, and friends and doing dinging and circus lessons for fun.
After a year
of general nursing and year working in
the ICU I made a somewhat unexpected decision to leave my job and go travelling
for 5 months in Spain, Ireland and a brief few days in Paris, Singapore,
Thailand and Cambodia. I loved Battambang, a quiet town in Cambodia with a
country feel and a nice group of Ex-pats working there and it reinspired my
desire to volunteer as a nurse, one of the reasons I decided to become a nurse.
This was an amazing
time, and when I came home I bummed around for quite some time, and emailed a
hospital in Battambang offering to volunteer. Over the next three months I
found a new home, a job agency nursing, fell in love with roller derby, and,
sadly separated from my partner at the time. Around this time I heard back from
Battambang, had a skype interview and
decided to go to Cambodia for just a few months. I started to feel like I was
getting my life back together in Sydney, finding a sport I loved, friends, and
after some time a new and unexpected lover. I felt I was getting back into the
groove of Sydney and then it was time to go.
Now, after
about 7 months in Battambang of excitement, exploring settling in, learning and
questioning I find the same uneasiness occupying my thoughts more and more.
The rudimentary awareness of white privelidge
and institutionalised racism that I have has lead me to read more and try to
learn more to try and help me figure out how I feel about my place and my
influence here and the way I work.
I think I
have only a little awareness of the way that my skin colour, class and
education (among other things), have benefited me above others and given me
opportunities I wouldn’t have had if I had been born in a different set of
circumstances.
I also have
a poor understanding of Khmer culture, it’s origins, the way it is changing,
the influence of foreigners and expats in Cambodia, and how to behave and
interact with that.
Is the
influence of a very privileged foreigner with little understanding and
awareness of the institutionalised racism and colonialism, and also little
awareness of the intricacies, influences and development of the culture of the
country I am in just perpetuating the issues of colonialsm, racism, classism
and all the things I want to avoid?
The fact
that I am given autonomy respect and a management position despite being
younger and less experienced than most of the nurses here is based on the fact
that I have education and management skills from a comprehensive nursing course
in Australia. But I don’t know how to tell if I am more of a problem than a
solution.
Does the way
I work here undermine local staff? Does it continue the idea that white people
are somehow superior? Perhaps it would be better to try and raise money to
support Khmer people to get education and experience in hospitals in developed
countries, or perhaps there are better ways for Cambodian health care to
develop, more appropriate to Cambodian people, that don’t just emanate western
health systems…
These are
the idea’s that I want to explore, read about and make sure that I am not
perpetuating. The challenge is how to engage with these idea’s without simply
feeling despair. And how to take a critical look at myself in a way that doesn’t
lead me to feel hopeless or depressed. The management of a resource poor health
centre, the interaction of different cultures that know little about each
other, and the legacy of war, the examination of my own racism and being
treated with an unearned amount of respect and leeway, the unearned amount of
money, respect, attention, safety, etc. that I have received in my life, and
how to avoid feeling entitled and continuing to behave in the ways I have been socialised
to do that might be difficult for others are all things that I want to continue to
learn about and to address and change in myself, while I continue to try and
find an acceptable balance.
