a day of dream

I dreamt of twinkling green eyes
And a contagious smile
A loud secret

And I awoke
Still waiting to hear that laugh
And grasp a reaching hand

To rush over the sand and
Splash tumble aching
Into the water

Into the fast-heart-beat
beautiful chaos
Of it all

But the light and a room
pushed their way into my eyes
and my limbs started to twitch
in a getting up kind of way

and I rolled into a list of
obligations I had constructed

but every thought-stop
left me back

waiting for those eyes to smile at me again
for one last chance
to frolic-stumble through lessons
I have already learnt

i get grumpy and i dont know why

yesterday i came home grumpy it seems, but i didn't feel grumpy, i felt got at, and so did my little bro and mum, they felt got at by me and i felt got at by them, and i can't figure out why.
We all tend to jibe each other, and so when people are fragile this can seem a bit more harsh, but i don't know why i felt fragile, or if they did, they both seemed to think i was being attacking and confrontational, and in a way i was, because i felt attacked i was trying to, i dunno, assert myself and my view of the situation, which was that they were getting at me... it was all tiny things, when i say attack, i only mean like a little accusatory statement, but i just wanted to figure out why.
I think perhaps i get a bit paranoid, and so i have a propensity to think people are trying to get at me when they are not, and it does tend to happen in my family because they are all very smart, and despite the fact that we are ridiculously comfortable together i know that i am kind of the 'flakey hippy' who dosen't wash enough, and isn't very logical, and people tend to wonder how i make it through life, because i do things my own rather unique, hard to understand little way. so yea, perhaps it was a bit of that, i a bit of having a tired crabby day.
I think i could have improved the situation by just saying 'hey, i feel really got at' or something or taking a bit of time out, thinking about it and coming back.
I think i could have improved yesterday by also asking this kid that i don't really know but don't really like how he was because he seemed distressed. By trying to figure out why i felt so lazy about cycling and just whinged in my head to myself about finding it difficult. and being more honest and trying to sort out what was going on with fam.

haha, and i better go study do that i don't have to put 'stdy more' on todays lists of things to be done better. :P

not just for lovers

remember... people?

talking to a friend i remembered. people!
they are everything, they are what its all about, the whole world.
people are the things that can be happy/sad/angry, they are the things that can change it, and i have been insulating myself from them in a way...
whatever i think, whatever great theories i come up with, it dosen't matter unless i'v got people, unless i talk to them. relationships are the biggest research project in ones life. experimenting with different influences, forms of friendship, ways of relating to each other, and ways of breaking down the gap of not yet knowing someone.
I think i kinda forgot to suss people out, to try to relate to them, all of them, to try and break down my judgements, and instead i just settled into a cosy nest of lovelies. I love my family and my friends, and they still challenge me, but there is this whole world of people that i don't understand at all, i get so suss of them because they are different, because they do things i think are dodgy, and i do things that i assume they think are dodgy, i find all the time that i am relating through this barrier of 'you-probably-won't-agree-with-me' which perhaps is sometimes true, but is also perhaps paternalistic and leaves me feeling... false? i dunno quite what it is, i think it's dodgy tho, and the result of being to judgemental. something i need to work on.
yup yup...
i love remembering/learning things like that.

night-plod-voice-share-friend

plod plod plod
if it was pitch that would be the only thing existing of me.
my wobbling pale flesh haphazardly shrouded in a small cape would be hidden. and not exist.
It is not pitch however, & i am wobble-plod, fabric-clutching my way up the street with a friend (and we are taking turns with out voices)
as we go i experiment & the wind plays along, a gust, a breast here, a thigh, a buttock there. and then for a spektator or temperature i rewrap.

We gigle at my pale flesh in this context, & i think about freedom & fear & spaces & friends
& we talk about things that are serious and true & not packagable, answerable or beautiful.
this is one of my barest friends, for whom no detail is embarass edited.

yup yup yup

midnight thought

Lets try and make something beautiful, to pretend that it is worth it, the time we expend trawling these hopeless streets, lets hold each other, and chalk happy messages to commuters that are exhausted in ways that none of us understand.

Lets try not to feel the devestation in the air, carbon monoxide, tension, and bright lights defining you as nothing more then a consumer. Lets smile at all our little enemies, try to love people we don’t know,

try to breathe slowly,

try to think.

Lets let go of 5 things we define as failures, lets look at the sky, and dream, forget about the bank balance and imagine that things could change

Imagine what would happen if we all woke up tomorrow and decided we were going to stop climate change, imagine if we were honest with everyone we talk to for a whole day.

Lets say all the things were too embarrassed to say, sprout all the idea’s we think noone will believe in, let go of one fear that stops us doing things, and to make it all work, lets commit to being nice, to taking time, trying to understand people rather then just condemning them as soon as the say something we disagree with.

And in the fine words of kimya dawson 'remember that I love you.'